The Failure Complex

There are many times when I ask myself, why is everyone smarter than me.

Sometimes it seems as if the whole world has it together. Like there is some immense knowledge that I have missed out on because my brain can't even comprehend the simplest of things. Why? It's really annoying and devastating at the same time because I just want to be average. I just want to be able to pick things up the way everyone else does.

More recently I've began to hate the things that I am good at because they are not the things that I would like to be good at. For example, English. I've always been good at English. Reading, comprehension, writing, expression, it has always been very simple for me. But I hate being good at English. There are a million and one people who can write and read just as good, and much better than myself. Where is my spectacular talent?

I don't really know if it is anywhere. I seem to fail at everything. Not only do I psych myself out before I start things, but even when I don't I still seem to hit just below every mark given to me.  Why couldn't I speak well, draw, dance, act, do math, science, fix computers, do gymnastics, or something other than English! I speak the language for goodness sakes! Sometimes I just want to wish upon a star and be somebody else. Even for just a day I want to get out of my body and be somebody else.

My whole life, more than wishing to be skinny or pretty or whatever, I have always wanted to be smart.  I've always wanted to be just as intellectual as any Harvard Graduate or as sharp and curious as someone from Reed College. But no. I am just me. Plain old me. College loans, and figuring out that life isn't always what you want it to be. Yeah this is a rant about my shitty feelings, but somehow I need to get them out. And since I've explained that I am not good at much else, this is all that I can do.

Yeah I know that my life is not that bad. I have my health, family, friends, and lots of other things. I have no real reason to complain. But sometimes I just need a small snippet of my life to be open for a pity party. Well, that's what I am throwing today.