The Failure Complex

There are many times when I ask myself, why is everyone smarter than me.

Sometimes it seems as if the whole world has it together. Like there is some immense knowledge that I have missed out on because my brain can't even comprehend the simplest of things. Why? It's really annoying and devastating at the same time because I just want to be average. I just want to be able to pick things up the way everyone else does.

More recently I've began to hate the things that I am good at because they are not the things that I would like to be good at. For example, English. I've always been good at English. Reading, comprehension, writing, expression, it has always been very simple for me. But I hate being good at English. There are a million and one people who can write and read just as good, and much better than myself. Where is my spectacular talent?

I don't really know if it is anywhere. I seem to fail at everything. Not only do I psych myself out before I start things, but even when I don't I still seem to hit just below every mark given to me.  Why couldn't I speak well, draw, dance, act, do math, science, fix computers, do gymnastics, or something other than English! I speak the language for goodness sakes! Sometimes I just want to wish upon a star and be somebody else. Even for just a day I want to get out of my body and be somebody else.

My whole life, more than wishing to be skinny or pretty or whatever, I have always wanted to be smart.  I've always wanted to be just as intellectual as any Harvard Graduate or as sharp and curious as someone from Reed College. But no. I am just me. Plain old me. College loans, and figuring out that life isn't always what you want it to be. Yeah this is a rant about my shitty feelings, but somehow I need to get them out. And since I've explained that I am not good at much else, this is all that I can do.

Yeah I know that my life is not that bad. I have my health, family, friends, and lots of other things. I have no real reason to complain. But sometimes I just need a small snippet of my life to be open for a pity party. Well, that's what I am throwing today.

It's about that time again...

OH yes, it's about that time again. Summer :)

I am so excited because it just happens to be my favorite season of the year, but it also happens to be my worst. Let me explain:

Every January 7th or 8th, (because it takes me a week to decided on the same resolution I make every year) I make the commitment  to lose the same 15lbs that I've had since the  9th grade, and by the Spring I've forgotten all about that and moved on to eating popcorn with Nutella. Then by the Summer I am crying in every department store dressing room because I can't seem to understand "why I'm so fat!!!" Eventually, I dry my tears and I decide on some plain one piece with swim shorts and go chill out somewhere. Ironically by the fall, I have lost all of the weight that I wanted to before the summer, plus I get a great tan, but then the weather gets cold and I have to start over again the next year.

Oh life, you really suck sometimes.

All things aside, this coming summer brings me back to another embarrassing, crazy, fun summer. A summer that feels like centuries ago and yet it has only been four years. I hate when people say "whoa, time flies!" and try to get me to agree. I don't want to. Yes it goes fast, but I like to live in denial. I don't want to believe that one day I woke up and I was magically 20 years old and I couldn't even remember what happened in the last year. That's nuts. So denial is my coping mechanism. Anyway, let's get to the story.

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away (Cancun, Mexico) there was a sixteen year old girl on vacation with her family. The only thing about this girl, is that she no longer looked like a girl. She sprouted D sized boobs and woman sized hips in a blur between this year and fourteen years of age. The only problem was that this girl didn't know it. Yeah that's right. Like many girls going through puberty, this was me. I was just a wreck and unaware of how carry a purse, let alone the body of a woman. Looking back, I wish someone had told me...something! But alas, no one did. Well, like every girl in the world I had my flaws: Huge feet, wide shoulders, and VERY uneven breasts. Yeah, you read that right. But as I said before, I was somewhat unaware of my body so I walked out on the beach with my dad, in a bikini at least 3 sizes to small for my large breast and I thought that I was just fine. (It had fit fine the year before right?)

As horrible as it looked, still, no one said anything. So with the tomboy that I am on the inside, I ran in the ocean and swam in the sun for hours with my Dad. The water was amazing! But like any great beach day, the tide kicks up and you have to get out. Well on the beach there were 3 zones. Green was for everyone. Low waves. Yellow, more advanced swimmers. Higher waves. Red zone, is the no-no zone. But of course, this wouldn't be a great story if my Dad and I hadn't drifted from the Yellow zone to the Red would it? Well minutes later a wave came crashing over my head and when I could pop my head back over the surface of the water again I could see the lifeguard blowing his whistle and calling me and my Dad in. So immediately my Dad begins swimming to the shore and leave me behind (-__-). As I tried to swim I realized that the water was way too rough and the waves were too high, so I began to panic and wave to the life guard for help. But again, this is my life, so the lifeguard just looks at me blowing the whistle but won't come in to help. So I yell to my Dad to come and help me and he can't even hear me so he looks confused and keeps swimming. Suddenly, ( and I am not exaggerating) a massive wave comes over my head and I can't even get to the top of the water anymore. I  am just looking up and around and there is no way to break through. Now at this point, I had accepted the fact that nobody was coming to help me, and I actually had the passing thought that maybe drowning isn't so bad. I was somewhat sucking in water, but I wasn't panicking anymore. Luckily, by some miracle I rolled over awkwardly in this wave and then my foot landed on a rock. With that I stood up coughing and sputtering, but I ran with all of my life toward the beach.

I don't know how long that episode could have been but it felt like forever. But as I got closer to the shore the lifeguard was calling out, "Senorita! Senorita!" I didn't want to hear anything until my feet hit the beach. It was only when I finally stood on shore with the lifeguard in front of me that I realized he was trying to get my attention because my right boob was hanging out. Yup. Ran on shore flashing at least 30 people. That's cool. At that point, I was so exhausted that I didn't even fight it anymore. I accepted my body for what it was because it way better than being dead.  My Dad, in manly fashion, didn't say anything except for "You okay?" I just nodded and we took a taxi back to the hotel.

Yeah. That's my life.

Four years have gone by and I remember that like it was yesterday. But it's okay. I still have the same flaws I had back then, but I've learned to love them more. Even though I nearly drowned, that hasn't stopped me from going to the beach, showing off my lopsided breasts in a bikini, and eating what I want. Yeah summer is always nerve wracking, but it really is one of the few seasons that I associate with true joy and just being able to be me. Just chillin and grillin :)

Happy May 1st everyone!
xoxo